The FeMan is Initiated

For the first time in 1998 The FeMan was going to ride with the Troublemakers. Fast Eddie had told him earlier in the week that they were riding, come rain or come shine. As was his wont, The FeMan arose early to see the sun rise and hear the early morning birds.

Just as he was finishing his morning feast the rain drops began to spatter against the window. These little droplets seemed to dissolve his courage like sugar in water. The fog was thick on the lake. This was a total disappointment from the previous few days' of heat and light. Screwing up his courage, The FeMan packed his bag, and prepared to make trouble.

Big J helped him to load the tri-machine into The FeMobile and he headed out. Just before driving on to the freeway, as he mentally checked off his list of 25 essentials, he realized that one very important one was left out: a jacket. He turned the steering wheel over hard and wheeled The FeMobile around in a U-turn and raced back the The FeNest. Quickly darting inside he ripped the jacket down from its hangar and raced back to the purring FeMobile.

Going through route options in his head, trying to pick the fastest route to Marymoor now that he was late, The FeMan headed north for 520. Across the bridge, flowing smoothly through traffic and on to the appointed meeting place, he rolled in just as the clock struck 8:00.

There they were: Fast Eddie, The Hammer, No-shiftum Marshall, and No-handle-bar-tape Steve. A mean and nasty crew, if ever there was one. The FeMan spilled his stuff onto the ground and began to pack an enourmous fanny pack. This pack would be remarked upon numerous times during the day. Little did they know that this was The FeMan's most secret weapon. When riding in the aero position, the fanny pack was a spoiler!

The crew headed out with Fast Eddie quickly going off the front. His joy at being back on his bike was quite evident. This was a man who liked the wind in his face, mud up his back, and bugs in his teeth and he was out to demonstrate this for all.

It was the usual route out to Ames Lake Road. The FeMan took a pull first onto the Redmond-Fall City Road, then pulled off after a short rise. Being somewhat shy in the memory department, he forgot that the wide shoulder ended in gravel. As the troublemaker train went by on his left, The FeMan bumped and bounced through gravel until he could come back on the back of the peleton. There was a perceptible speedup as the road dropped gently down, then flattened out.

Then the gravel ride haunting began. He flatted and dropped off the back before he could say a word. As he cursed under his breath he removed the back wheel, pulled the tire loose, and ripped out the damaged tube. As he was putting the new tube in Fast Eddie and No-handlebars-tape Steve rode up. They offered assurances to The FeMan as he finished up and regaled him with tales of the Troublemakers in the old days.

With the tire repaired and re-inflated, the three of them headed up Ames Lake road. As they rode up the hill, No-handlebars-tape Steve smiled wryly at The FeMan and crept up on the left of Fast Eddie. Fast Eddie picked up the pace, Steve dropped back. After a couple more rounds, The FeMan decided that looked like fun and tried it as well. Fast Eddie sure was strong today! He matched every challenge.

The other two Troublemakers were waiting at the top of the hill and the whole pack flew over the top and down into the valley. The only excitement out to the West Snoqualmie Highway was a dog attack which scatted the group, allowing Fast Eddie and No-shiftum Marshall to break away. However, they were reeled in by the highway.

Now the group was flying north, one then another taking a pull and bringing more and more speed. A quick stop at Novelty Hill, then on again to the Woodinville-Duvall Road. After crossing and taking a short, and needed, stop, they continued the same relentless chasing past high bridge. There, as the group charged the hills, they were treated to running, Phill Ligget-like commentary from The Hammer as, one after another, the Troublemakers began the serious business of beating up on each other.

About this time The FeMan decided to try riding off the back unless he was pulling. This was a serious mistake. He followed the group into Snohomish, well off the back. After a quick break in Snohomish, the Troublemakers headed for Monroe. There was a quick sprint across the valley, then real attacks began on the series of hills which intervened. The FeMan stayed off the back, watching and biding his time.

When it appeared that the group was pulled back together, he made his move. Charging from the rear, he moved by quickly on the left, hoping to get quickly off the front. Hah!

With Fast Eddie in charge, the peleton came up and stayed right on his wheel. Then, just outside Monroe, No-handlebars-tape Steve attacked. The Hammer followed and The FeMan dug down deep to sprint and stay on. He was able to just barely hang on as No-handlebars-tape Steve finally let off.

The group rolled into Monroe, gliding into the 7-11 for refreshment. The FeMan selected tomator juice and Snickers as his snack and was subjected to immense ridicule. No one seemed to understand how tasty and nutritious that combination really is. Then more: The Hammer wanted to inspect the contents of The FeMan's fanny pack. Its enourmous size was intriguing. Just a jacket, pants, food, money, hand axe, fire starter, small tent, and sleeping bag. Only the essentials for survival.

After much discussion, it was decided to finish up by riding Cherry Valley. No-shiftum Marshall led the way back to High Bridge. Just before the bridge, No-handlebars-tape Steve called out softly that a group was trying to catch The Troublemakers. As everyone stopped at the highway, there they were: ROADIES. Subtly trying to dissuade them from entering into the chase, The Hammer told them that The Troublemakers took long, slow pulls. Just to show them how, Fast Eddie took off. The FeMan pulled in behind and the train was headed south. After Fast Eddie pulled off, The FeMan took a pull. He pushed the pace as much as he could, longing for the flat stretch before the Woodinville-Duvall road.

Then, just as he started on the flat section, he heard a small voice from behind "I'll take a pull now; I'm getting off at the phone station." and a train of ROADIES went by with Fast Eddie right on the back, looking like a caboose. The FeMan and The Hammer tried to jump on, but neither had the legs as the group moved away at 30 mph.

As the ROADIES dismounted The Troublemakers headed for Cherry Valley where it would all begin again. Around the curves and up the first rolling hills, The FeMan tried to lead, but his legs were gone. He and No-shiftum Marshall were quickly dropped as the other three attacked, attacked, attacked. Soon they were 3 tiny figures in the distance. The FeMan and No-shiftum Marshall exchanged a few words and worked together up through Cherry Valley. The coast down into Stillwater was most welcome.

There were the other 3 sprawled out, eating and drinking sugar. After everyone refuled and rehydrated, The FeMan said that he intended to return via Tolt Hill. The Hammer said "How about we keep him company?"

Oh, no! No relaxation, no taking it easy. Just more brutality (but no fish).

As the climb began, The FeMan was quickly dropped. He pedalled on, all alone. Topping out he dropped onto his aero bars and started the descent. At the bottom of the hill, the other three were gathered, impatiently waiting to head back.

"Only one more hill now," thought The FeMan, looking ahead in his mind's eye to Ames Lake Road and Union Hill. However, as the peleton came to the turn off, Fast Eddie signalled for a turn, then rode on past! Now the group was subjected to cars and trucks roaring by, much too close for comfort.

Keeping their cool, the foursome kept in a neat pace line and turned off for their return to Redmond via a couple back roads. Much more peaceful.

Back in the parking lot all were subjected to public nudity as The Hammer stripped buck naked to change his clothes. Fast Eddie was right next to The Hammer and was totally shocked. Then conversation and the biggest surprise of all: The FeMan had been sufficient troublemaker to now be able to call himself A TROUBLEMAKER! What a day!

At the final stop of the day to refuel and tell lies it was quite clear that the day's efforts had severely drained the sense out of everyone. For instance, all those facing The FeMan were subjected to subliminal suggestion by his Beaver Lake Triathlon shirt and ordered Bacon Lettuce and Tomato sandwiches. Only those who could read the shirt order BLTs. Funny what dehydration can do to the brain.

A great day: no rain, not too cold, and an official initiation.

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