Stage 10 or the tale of Cheasty Haraden

(A note from the management of feman.com: this contribution was provided by The Hammer)

........ at the 70 kilometer point, into a stage of 180 kilometers, on some rollers outside of Val de Maple, three riders from Team Troublemakers managed to get off the front and, working together, extended their lead to 4:35 over the pack which was at that stage not inclined to chase, given the damp weather and recent hard days in the mountains.

The break worked well until one rider (Fast Eddie) refused to work the paceline and then had to retire due to mechanical difficulties (no booties). At that point the two remaining riders, the Hammer and the Fe Man ( a well known 100 k break away specialist) really put the metal down and hotted up the race.

They continued to build time on the field over Col de Ravensdale, Col de Black diamond, Mont Auburn, and emerged onto the long flats out of the mountains with the chasers no where in sight.

While fading somewhat, they stayed out of the threatening clouds riding tempo at a steady 45 kph with a following wind, and made it back to Seattle to the roaring crowds urging them on on their heroic stage victory. One rider Cheesney Hadener from Team Frito tried to bridge across in south Seattle, but could not and fell by the wayside.

The two troublemakers crossed the line together arms aloft to the cheering mobs of tifosi lining the streets. They were greeted by their managers, and that afternoon were reportedly each offered seven figure contracts to ride for Mercatoni Uno.

"Just a spendid display of racing, I'd say, wouldn't you Phil?"

An editorial comment by feman.com management

The valiant chasing hero, Cheesney Hadener deserves more than a footnote as a fallen rider on this day of days. So, his tale, an inspiring one.

Cheesney came into the world as Cheasty Haraden. As a child and adolescent there was no indication of his future greatness.

An uneventful childhood slid into the beginnings of a dissipated adulthood. Cheasty's most vigorous activity was cheering for BMX bikers on ESPN's Xtreme sports shows. A real couch potato, his favorite food was the Frito product Cheetos (Cheetos home page, the dangers of Cheetos, what are these things, the source of it all, and mmmm, good).

Because Cheasty was such a Fritos fan he began calling himself Cheesney. Soon all his friends were calling him Cheesney, then his parents. Cheasty was forgotten; he had become Cheesney.

In his adolescence real rebellion began. He became an unbearable child and decided his last name was unacceptable as well. Haraden reminded him too much of harradin ("a shrewish woman"). Much too femmy for a testosterone-impaired guy. So he became Cheesney Hadener.

As Cheesney Hadener he was a terror in high school. Not brave just a bully. His favorite targets were the isolated and small geek kids. Push them around, tease them, beat one up if the kid was alone. Cheesney was on his way to a life of petty crime.

Then an epiphany.

Cheesney was able to steal two cases of real coke and 6 bags of Cheetos from the loading dock of his neighborhood Safeway. With only the strength of youthful exuberance he was able to carry his booty away into the night. However, his endurance was so poor that he was only able to get a half block.

"No problem" he muttered to himself and settled down to consume everything. One after another he popped the tops off the Coke cans, tipped each one back, and let it run down his throat. Great handfuls of Cheetos followed, washed down by more Cokes. It was a truly pitiful sight.

Without warning Cheesney's head began to whirl about. He staggered to his feet, head spinning. His vision blurred then went black and he crumpled to the ground. The rising sun warmed Cheesney back to consciousness. He raised his head from the ground and looked around: he was lying in a pool of Coke vomit that plastered together half-digested Cheetos.

Disgusted with himself Cheesney staggered home. An idea had begun to form in his head; he had bottomed out.

At home he showered as thoughts about what to do from this point onward were zipping around his head. Suddenly, he remembered Xtreme sports and bicycles; he had a BMX bike in the garage. He remembered all the fun he'd had as a child with that bike. No cokes, no Cheetos, just curbs to jump and places to go.

After dressing, Cheesney went to the garage and found the bike. The tires were flat so he walked it the 2 blocks to a service station and filled them with air. The bike was too small for him but he jumped on anyway. Pedalling the single speed machine with knees high, that childhood joy began to return. His memory of last night's depths began to fade.

Cheesney began to ride everywhere. He stopped being a bully and his grades improved. He managed to get a part time job at the Safeway where he'd stolen the Coke and cheetos and started to save up some money.

His first purchase was a new bike which led to more and more carefree miles. Cheesney hooked up with the Spider Riders cycling club and went on long weekend rides. All the time outdoors gave him a healthy amount of color and he started racing at local road races and criteriums. Newer bikes, more racing, he became more and more skilled.

Then an ironic offer to ride for Team Frito. He couldn't pass up the opportunity.

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